‘It’s All Gone, Every Penny,’ Agency Head Sobs

Illustration for article titled Dirty, Disheveled Scott Pruitt Confesses He Spent Last Of EPA Funding Weeks Agoem/em

WASHINGTON—Rocking back and forth in his chair and openly weeping, a dirty, disheveled EPA administrator Scott Pruitt confessed during testimony before the House Appropriations committee Thursday that he had spent the last of his department’s funding weeks ago. “It’s gone, all gone, every penny of it—poof, just like that,” said an unkempt Pruitt, sobbing as he revealed that he’d spent the entirety of his agency’s $5.6 billion budget in a matter of weeks before grabbing the jacket sleeve of Rep. Betty McCollum (D-MN) and begging her to forgive him for being “such a huge fuckup.” “I pissed it all away on stupid shit, all right? Ever since I spent the last $800,000 or so around the beginning of March, the EPA hasn’t had two nickels to rub together. Now, I’ve got all kinds of sub-departments breathing down my neck wondering where all the funding is, and I’ve just been pretending we’re solvent and trying to hide from everyone. I’m sorry, I just got so greedy.” Sources reported that as the hearing came to a close, an increasingly shifty Pruitt asked committee members if there was an inconspicuous side door he could exit through, since there are a lot of people looking for him.

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