WASHINGTON—Claiming the 89-year-old woman’s numerous blunders had caused the delay to the state’s results, Democratic National Committee chair Tom Perez told reporters Tuesday that all problems with the Iowa Caucus could be blamed on a single fuck-up senior citizen volunteer. “What it comes down to is that this costly and embarrassing mistake can be traced to one elderly volunteer named Muriel Luntz,” said Perez, adding that the party had hesitated on whether to release details about the Dubuque-based widow and five-time election volunteer, but ultimately decided to do so based on the gravity of Luntz’s empty-headed missteps in singlehandedly derailing the first-in-the-nation caucus. “Obviously, I don’t want to speculate, but I don’t think this woman is all there upstairs anymore. That’s the only way I could imagine someone bungling our exceptional election security measures. It’s a shame that just one numbskull could blemish the DNC’s sterling record. So let me just say that I completely hear the outpouring of frustration from voters and want them to know that any of their outrage should be sent directly to her home address, which we’ll be releasing online soon.” Perez also pledged that as an effort to tamp down on further mistakes, he would ensure that by the next election, the idiotic octagenarian would no longer be alive.
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