ANTARCTICA—Cackling as they stuffed a rag into the Democratic governor’s mouth and tied his hands behind his back, the DNC reportedly tossed a bound Jay Inslee onto a melting iceberg Friday and pushed him out to sea. “Well, well, well, if it isn’t my good friend Mr. Inslee! Tell me, sir, as a Democratic candidate—is this the type of climate debate you wanted?” said a grinning DNC chair Tom Perez as he looked at the blindfolded, gagged governor of Washington, placed a gun loaded with a single bullet at his feet, and kicked the rapidly shrinking piece of ice he was on into open waters. “Take it from me, Jay, those dear sharks and whales you want to save so badly? They’re not as nice as they look. If I had to guess, your campaign has two to three more hours, tops. So let’s just hope you can swim as well as you rally.” At press time, Inslee was seen breaking free from the thick ropes tied around his body, diving into the ocean, and swimming to shore surrounded by a pack of several loyal dolphins.

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