Illustration for article titled DNC Leaders Bury Heads In Hands After New Moderate Presidential Recruit Immediately Walks Into Oncoming Traffic

WASHINGTON—Dealt another setback in their attempt to find a 2020 prospect they deem suitably centrist, Democratic National Committee leaders buried their heads in their hands after a new moderate presidential recruit immediately walked into oncoming traffic, sources confirmed Thursday. “For crying out loud, he didn’t even look first—he just stepped right out into the goddamn street,” DNC Chair Tom Perez said of a former Midwestern governor who, before being fatally struck by a D.C. Metrobus, was reportedly an innocuous candidate the party could run down the middle and trust not to stray too far from the status quo. “He had some great lines about being from the heartland, understanding true Americans, and not dividing the country any further, but now he’s in pieces all over the sidewalk. Goddammit! Well, at least he made it all the way to the street. The last 37 guys we tried fell in a ditch and never found their way out.” At press time, sources said an increasingly fed-up Perez had relented and told an aide to “just get fucking Bloomberg on the phone.”


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