Emaciated Peter Alexander Burns Podium For Warmth After Being Locked In Abandoned Press Briefing Room Since December

WASHINGTON—Clutching his tattered suit jacket closer to him as he trembled with cold and hunger, an emaciated Peter Alexander was reportedly forced to burn a podium for warmth Thursday after having been locked in the abandoned White House Press Briefing Room since Dec. 18. “Christ, it’s so cold,” said the NBC News correspondent, who had reportedly been subsisting for the past several weeks on pieces of shoe leather and trapping the occasional cockroach that skittered across the briefing room floor. “I’ve tried breaking down the door, but it’s built of reinforced steel. Every now and then, I’ll hear the sound of voices on the other side, and for the first few days, I was banging my fists against the door and screaming, ‘Let me out, let me out,’ but no one ever came by. I’ve given up. I’m starting to fear I’ll have long since frozen to death by the time someone comes into this room again. God help me.” Alexander was reportedly grateful that the distraction of the fire kept him from thinking about his last full meal, which had consisted of a giant turkey leg with Jim Acosta’s voice. 

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