WASHINGTON—As towers of black smoke billowed up across the charred strip of land, sources confirmed Monday that the entire southern border was somehow on fire just 10 minutes after Jared Kushner began tackling the U.S. immigration system. “Just moments after Kushner made his first phone call to the head of ICE, we began receiving reports of 40-foot tall flames spontaneously combusting across the U.S.–Mexico border,” said acting Department of Homeland Security secretary Kevin McAleenan, noting the entirety of the nearly 2,000-mile boundary was burning and that attempts to extinguish the raging inferno only seemed to make the blaze grow more powerful. “We’ve asked Mr. Kushner to please stop emailing us for the time being because every time he hits the send button, a border patrol checkpoint explodes, which is obviously not ideal. We’re confident, however, that if we can figure out how to better control the wall of fire, it may prove an inexpensive way to control undocumented entry into the country.” At press time, a deep fissure had begun swallowing homes along the Canadian border following Kushner’s tour of a detainment camp for immigrant children.
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