NEW YORK—Admitting they could not deny themselves a chance to glimpse a genius in action, FBI officials confirmed they raided the office of President Trump’s longtime lawyer Michael Cohen Monday so they could develop a deeper appreciation of his masterful legal work. “Yesterday afternoon, federal agents confiscated thousands of documents from Mr. Cohen in order to develop a better understanding of this consummate authority on the law by witnessing firsthand his subtle interpretive powers as an attorney,” said agency spokesperson Laura Milford, who added that the FBI immediately pored over Cohen’s meticulous, well-reasoned legal briefs, hoping to observe how the mind of such a great and conscientious professional operates. “It has been stunning to witness how he handles the president’s legal matters with both a commanding knowledge of the justice system and a passionate respect for the philosophical intricacies of jurisprudence. We couldn’t help but obtain a warrant to remove these papers and see what might be learned from the endeavors of such a highly principled individual.” The raid follows a similar operation conducted last year at Paul Manafort’s home, where the FBI seized material they hoped would allow them to see how a profound champion of global democracy goes about his work.
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