NEWARK, NJ—Having raised only $3.1 million last month despite clinching the Republican nomination and with just $1.3 million on hand, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign sought a much-needed injection of cash Wednesday by holding a fundraising riot in Newark, sources confirmed. “We’re inviting our supporters to join Donald for an afternoon of violent shoving, enraged chanting, and throwing sucker punches, with all proceeds going toward our efforts to make America great again,” said Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort, explaining that the event included a $50-a-head clash with protesters in the parking lot outside the Prudential Center, where complimentary rocks and glass bottles to throw would be provided. “Gold-level supporters who give over $500 to the campaign will have a reserved spot inside the vicious, uncontrollable scrum in the arena, where they can enjoy brawling with others or screaming racial slurs at the various minorities who will be on hand throughout the event. And our platinum-level donors—those who pledge over $1,000—will be given exclusive access to the press section, where they can knock a camera out of a photographer’s hand or slam a reporter of their choice to the ground. It’s sure to be a lively event.” At press time, the campaign had surpassed its goal of raising $5 million, leading Trump’s advisors to organize a fundraising Molotov cocktail hour outside a Hillary Clinton rally to be held later this week.

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