Illustration for article titled Frantic John Kerry Looks On As Teresa Slowly Lowered Into Kim Jong-Un’s Electric Eel Tank

PYONGYANG—Bursting into the North Korean dictator’s central control room to find his wife suspended from a rope 40 feet in the air, a frantic Secretary of State John Kerry reportedly looked on in horror Friday as Teresa Heinz was slowly lowered into Kim Jong-un’s electric eel tank. “Well, well, well, how nice of you to join us, Mr. Kerry—as you can see, I’m about to serve dinner, and my electrified little friends here are quite hungry,” said Kim, who ordered his henchmen to seize the U.S. cabinet official and make sure he had a close, unobstructed view of his beloved wife’s final moments. “You may have been able to escape my chamber of horrors, Mr. Kerry, but there is nothing you can do to help her now. A pity that such a lovely woman will have to suffer such a terrible fate, but you should have thought twice before challenging the mighty state of North Korea. You should bid her one last goodbye while you still have the chance.” According to sources, with Heinz just two feet away from reaching the tank’s surface, the North Korean leader exited the control room to check on the status of his latest nuclear device, leaving Kerry under the watch of only two guards.


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