MADISON, WI—Passing the measure along party lines, the GOP-controlled Wisconsin legislature voted Tuesday to dissolve the 30th state admitted to the union rather than let governor-elect Tony Evers and other members of the Democratic Party have it. “This essential legislation officially dismantles the State of Wisconsin, thereby ensuring Democrats, who won every statewide executive office on the ballot last month, will have no legal authority within its borders,” said Republican Senate Majority Leader Scott Fitzgerald, explaining that it would be reckless to honor the fair election of Democrats to the state’s executive branch and far preferable for Wisconsin to cease existing and become instead a lawless wasteland of snow and ice. “While we cherish the past 170 years of statehood, there is simply too much at stake right now to allow the clear will of the people expressed at the polls to ruin Wisconsin by putting Democrats into positions such as governor and attorney general.” At press time, the Republican-led legislature had passed a follow-up resolution naming outgoing Governor Scott Walker the Eternal God-King of the former state of Wisconsin.

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