‘I Will Exonerate Trump,’ Sputters Newly Formed Dark Mueller

Illustration for article titled GOP Gasps As Red-Eyed Shadow Counsel Smashes Out Of Gestation Tank

WASHINGTON—Recoiling in horror at the spectacular power of their newly birthed creation, members of the GOP reportedly gasped Thursday as a red-eyed, shadow special counsel smashed out of a gestation tank, with the dark Robert Mueller sputtering, “I will exonerate Trump.” “My God, what have we done?” said California representative Devin Nunes as the merciless identical counterpart to the special counsel, who was created from DNA covertly harvested from Robert Mueller in order to halt the former FBI director’s progress on the Russia probe, exploded from the straps binding him in the incubation chamber, sloughed off the birthing gel, lurched forward, snapped Rand Paul’s neck, and quickly put on the Kentucky senator’s suit. “Look upon him—why, he is both man and beast. The world shall never be the same thanks to this abomination.” At press time, the shadow counsel jumped out of a nearby window and began heading to the D.C. Appellate Court in order to file a writ to have Paul Manafort’s conviction reversed, citing wrongful admission of evidence.

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