Illustration for article titled GOP Urges End Of Quarantine For Lifeless Bipedal Automatons That Make Economy Go

WASHINGTON—In an effort to contain the disastrous financial fallout resulting from the spread of Covid-19, economic advisor Larry Kudlow joined numerous GOP leaders Monday in urging an end of self-quarantine for the lifeless bipedal automatons that make the economy go. “We can’t allow this virus to completely upend American life, so we are recommending that these soulless humanoid contraptions return to powering the country as soon as possible,” said Kudlow, noting that the upright, unthinking facsimiles needed to return to their primary function of lifting GDP and improving the stock market. “We believe this group of insentient golems to be relatively low-risk due to their lack of a respiratory system, and right now, they’re just gathering dust being stuck in their storage containers. Of course, we continue to recommend extreme caution and social distancing for any actual humans who may come into contact with these unthinking, unfeeling entities.” Ludlow added that to be extra cautious, any automatons who felt unwell should power down for the next two to three weeks.

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