A self-conscious Justice Neil Gorsuch said he was surprised and disappointed to discover that the showers at the nation’s highest court had no partitions whatsoever and that his colleagues “just kind of let everything hang out.”

WASHINGTON—Saying he has come to dread the end of each day’s session, recently sworn-in U.S. Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch revealed to reporters Wednesday that he remains bashful about showering in front of his new colleagues.

Gorsuch, who reportedly changes clothes in the Supreme Court locker room by clutching a towel to his waist and attempting to shimmy his briefs down his legs, said he feels nervous removing his robes when his fellow justices are present and is accustomed to far more privacy than what the court’s communal showers provide.


“I wish there were stalls or even just a few curtains, because I’m really not comfortable stripping down around all these older justices that have been doing this forever,” said Gorsuch, who is typically the last of the court’s nine members to leave the bench and file into the locker room, where dirty, sweat-stained robes are casually removed and flung in the direction of a laundry cart. “I’ve been skipping the showers and just rubbing a little deodorant under my robes before going home, but that feels kind of gross. And waiting for everyone to leave doesn’t work because [Chief Justice John] Roberts takes super long showers and always stays late.”

“Maybe if I just run in and do a really quick rinse it won’t be that bad,” continued the 113th person to serve on the nation’s highest court.

Gorsuch confirmed that none of his colleagues seem to share his reservations about appearing naked before one another, noting that Justice Clarence Thomas doesn’t hesitate to tear off his perspiration-drenched robe and hop into one of the ice baths following a long day of legal deliberations. The newest and youngest member of the court added that he was especially caught off guard by 80-year-old Justice Anthony Kennedy’s tendency to wander from locker to locker in the nude as he animatedly recounts and breaks down each of the day’s key arguments.


According to Gorsuch, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is known to bring six-packs of Budweiser into the shower following a big victory in a landmark case, which he said is a type of behavior he never observed while on the 10th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals back home in Colorado.

“There’s usually a lot of whooping and hollering after a verdict is handed down, and it can get a bit rowdy in there,” said Gorsuch, who was assigned a rusted metal locker that has reportedly remained dented since a frustrated Warren Burger slammed his fist into its door after dissenting in the 5-4 ruling of Furman v. Georgia back in 1972. “Last week Kennedy slingshot his dirty jockstrap into the face of one of the clerks passing out fresh robes, and Roberts hasn’t been able to get his gavel down from the ceiling since [Justice Elena] Kagan stuck it up there with athletic tape. People are always telling me how [Antonin] Scalia loved to sneak up on people changing and snap his towel on their asses, so I’m at least glad I wasn’t around for that.”

“Although yesterday, when [Justice] Sonia [Sotomayor] saw I was going to wear my old swim trunks in the shower, she dumped talcum powder all over my head and called me a ‘textualist little bitch,’” the 49-year-old jurist added.


Gorsuch went on to say that he is equally reluctant to lower his guard around Justice Samuel Alito, who is known to press his buttocks in the faces of unsuspecting court members when they’re sitting on the locker room’s bench and bending down to tie their shoes.

Reflecting on the poor hygienic habits of his colleagues, including the propensity of some to urinate while in the shower, the former appellate judge shared with reporters his fears of contracting a staph infection like the one that spread through the locker room and prematurely ended the 1999 session of the Rehnquist court.

“I realize this stuff comes with the territory, and eventually I’ll have to bite the bullet and hit the showers like everyone else,” said Gorsuch, who acknowledged he has already come to accept the open secret of the court’s widespread prescription painkiller abuse. “It’s not that I’m a prude or anything—I just feel a little self-conscious.”


“Especially after seeing [Justice Stephen] Breyer’s monster cock,” he added.