NEW YORK—Expressing disappointment that the longtime senator was “just another part of the establishment,” once-vocal supporters of Bernie Sanders withdrew their backing for the presidential candidate Monday after realizing he was vying to become commander in chief of the U.S. Armed Forces. “Bernie talks a big game about being progressive, but he also wants to lead the world’s largest military? No thanks, pig,” said Brooklyn-based campaign volunteer Masha Ariely, expressing the sentiments of many former Sanders proponents who derided the White House hopeful as a “dirty cop” for seeking to wield the strength of a vast global superpower with a nearly $700 billion annual defense budget. “I was pretty excited for Medicare For All, but not if it means I have to vote for a guy who’s going to be giving orders at the Pentagon. We’re talking about an organization complicit in torture at Abu Ghraib, massacres in Vietnam, and a whole slew of war crimes going back to the Mexican–American War. Clearly Bernie is some sort of plant.” At press time, sources confirmed Sanders’ remaining supporters had trickled away after they discovered the avowed anti-billionaire candidate apparently nursed hopes of moving into the nation’s 132-room executive mansion.
More from The Onion