‘Heed My Tragic Story Well, Friends, For You Could Just As Easily Be Me,’ Says Chris Christie In Haunting RNC Speech

CLEVELAND—A thrall sweeping over the assembled GOP officials and party members Tuesday as he recounted his chilling tale of hubris, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly entreated those at the Republican National Convention to consider the sad story of his own dizzying rise and ignominious fall, offering a bitter warning to all in attendance that his terrible fate could befall any one of them. “Heed my tragic story well, friends, for the fickle hand of destiny could deal you the very same trials and sufferings I have known,” said Christie to his rapt audience, who listened breathlessly as the onetime presidential candidate told of the misfortunes he had brought upon himself by squandering the early promise of his governorship for a shot at the national spotlight. “You see me now in my diminished form, but know that not so long ago, I was called one of the leading lights of this party. Truly, I was a prince among men. But yet I continued to desire for more, and now see what my cravenness and my intemperate thirst for power have reduced me to. Hear me well, lest on some far-off, cruel day, you find yourself in my selfsame place in your own quest for renown and riches, unable to even secure the most piddling employ from the former adversary whom you forsook your last remaining shreds of dignity to stand beside.” At press time, hundreds of stricken RNC members were reportedly covering their ears and running for the arena’s exits as Christie began to recite the grotesque, harrowing tale of spending the past several months campaigning alongside Donald Trump.


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