Illustration for article titled ‘Hold Still,’ Says Eric Trump Swinging Sword At Don Jr. Trapped Inside Knight’s Armor

LONDON—Concentrating as he lined up the 19th-century saber against the plate mail cutting off his brother’s breathing, Eric Trump reportedly shouted, “Hold still!” Wednesday before swinging a sword at the knight’s armor Don Jr. was trapped inside at Buckingham Palace.“Okay, on a count of three, I’m gonna whack you with this sword and chop the armor off so then you’ll be free—quick, before the guards come,” said Eric to his panicking, hyperventilating brother, raising the sword following several failed attempts to pry Don Jr. from the armor he’d gotten stuck inside after the two snuck away from a palace tour to knight each other. “Stop saying you’re gonna die in there—and don’t pee, whatever you do, otherwise the armor will rust and you’ll be stuck inside forever and ever. Since they haven’t invented WD40 over here yet, I’m putting in another stick a butter to make it extra slippery. Hold your breath so I can cut you free with this old knife, otherwise I might cut you in half and we’ll have to go to the knight hospital. Ready?” At press time, Eric had abandoned his brother after hearing a palace employee announce it was time for dinner.

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