WASHINGTON—Providing vital new insight into their ancestral roots, a homemade DNA test self-administered by Eric and Donald Trump Jr. Wednesday proved definitively that they are both at least “one jar blood.” “I always figured I was at least half a jar blood, and now we got the proof,” said Donald Trump Jr., visibly pale, covered in blood, and reportedly feeling “woozy” in the aftermath of the test that he and his brother had just completed, using a metal protractor to cut open their palms and two discarded mason jars they found in the trash. “Eric is part blood, too, which makes sense, ’cuz we’re brothers. Dad is going to be so proud when he hears how much blood we have in us. I bet we have a lot of the same blood as him, too, since he’s our dad. I bet we even have one jar of his blood and one jar of mommy’s blood in us. We’ll just have to keep testing our TNA [sic] to make sure!” At press time, a groggy Eric Trump was washing down a chocolate chip cookie with a big swig of blood.

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