WASHINGTON—Gathering together outside the House chamber to trade ideas Tuesday, the nation’s lawmakers reportedly brainstormed complimentary things they could say about poor people when they meet with Pope Francis later this week. “This guy’s really interested in the poor, so we should have something nice to say, like, I don’t know, how they’re salt-of-the-earth people or how they’re humble or something like that,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH), one of several dozen representatives who stood around struggling for nearly half an hour to come up with any positive associations they felt toward the country’s impoverished population. “Boy, this is hard. The bottom line is that we can’t say anything that will come back to bite us later, like implying that they’re in need of assistance or that they deserve better. Let’s just scrape together a sentence or two vaguely praising them and then we can move on to something much more comfortable, like abortion.” At press time, Boehner was frustratedly shaking his head after realizing he and his colleagues would likely have to come up with something positive to say about peace, as well.
More from The Onion