President Obama has announced that he will take a series of executive actions to protect up to 5 million undocumented immigrants from deportation and help pave the way for those living in the country illegally to become U.S. citizens. Here is a step-by-step look at the president’s plan:

  • Step 1: While filling out official immigration documents, applicants must make sure to check a box indicating how they learned about America
  • Step 2: Must memorize a list of significant moments in U.S. history to never bring up in conversation
  • Step 3: Applicants write an essay on their favorite thing about America and they can’t choose freedom
  • Step 4: After diligently filling out a seemingly endless stream of forms, candidates cross fingers that someone feels like looking at them
  • Step 5: Must purchase gun, though learning how to use it is optional
  • Step 6: Lunch with President Obama
  • Step 7: The applicant is handed an envelope containing an address and photograph of the citizen they are “replacing”; they are then given 48 hours to “create space”
  • Step 8: Children of deported immigrants are told disgusting lies about their parents so they are less distraught about being separated from them
  • Step 9: Three-month cooling-off period in which newly naturalized citizens must return to their country of origin to decide if they really, truly want to become an American citizen and won’t change their minds
  • Step 10: All new citizens pay $600 non-refundable move-in fee
  • Step 11: “I can’t be president” T-shirts issued; citizens are given 20 percent off on merchandise at the official gift shop of the United States
  • Step 12: Immigration officials will periodically check in with citizens for the next five years to see how citizenship is working for them and if there’s anything the government can do

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