Illustration for article titled How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

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  • Combine inspirational charisma of Ted Cruz with raw sexual magnetism of John Kasich
  • Gradually win over Trump supporters by posting subtle pro-establishment messages in YouTube comments sections of chemtrail conspiracy videos
  • Stress how Trump’s most ludicrous-sounding policies really not all that different from Cruz’s and Kasich’s
  • Punch a wall a few times in frustration
  • Call Trump in the middle of the night and then hang up to ensure he’s constantly tired
  • Publish a measured but critical op-ed suggesting Trump may possess personality traits at odds with the demands of nation’s highest office
  • Quietly announce additional GOP primaries in delegate-rich states of Cruziana and Kasichberg
  • Maybe a few million more dollars’ worth of ads where someone talks in a deep voice
  • Make concerted effort to start taking Trump seriously eight months ago
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