In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

  • Combine inspirational charisma of Ted Cruz with raw sexual magnetism of John Kasich
  • Gradually win over Trump supporters by posting subtle pro-establishment messages in YouTube comments sections of chemtrail conspiracy videos
  • Stress how Trump’s most ludicrous-sounding policies really not all that different from Cruz’s and Kasich’s
  • Punch a wall a few times in frustration
  • Call Trump in the middle of the night and then hang up to ensure he’s constantly tired
  • Publish a measured but critical op-ed suggesting Trump may possess personality traits at odds with the demands of nation’s highest office
  • Quietly announce additional GOP primaries in delegate-rich states of Cruziana and Kasichberg
  • Maybe a few million more dollars’ worth of ads where someone talks in a deep voice
  • Make concerted effort to start taking Trump seriously eight months ago

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