How Trump Can Beat Biden

Illustration for article titled How Trump Can Beat Biden

With the election around the corner, the Republican Party campaign of President Donald Trump is looking for ways to win reelection over his Democratic Party challenger, Joe Biden. The Onion looks at key factors that could help Trump defeat Biden and retain the presidency. If Trump winning isn’t your preferred outcome, or you are a Biden staffer turning to The Onion for strategy advice, you can find out how Biden can beat Trump here.

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Disenfranchise millions of Biden supporters with scheme to use electoral college exactly as intended.

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Win over undecided voters by committing to spare their lives during second term.


Cling to the Oval Office desk until Biden gets tired and gives up.


Deviate from usual policy wonkery and display a little emotion for once.


Giving everyone another 12 hundo couldn’t hurt.


Disarm one of Biden’s key electoral advantages by killing Eric so he has a deceased son too.

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Remind people that a vote for him is a vote for the slightly taller guy.


Pledge to uphold core Republican values like massive voter suppression.


Highlight dozens of crimes Biden failed to prevent him from committing during his first term.

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Refuse to accept election results citing upcoming Supreme Court ruling.

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