Step 1

Go online to find out where you forgot to register to vote


Step 2:

Double-check to ensure you aren’t currently serving a prison term


Step 3:

Make sure not to eat or drink anything 24 hours before voting


Step 4:

Clipboard-holding supporter outside polling location asks if you have a moment to learn even one thing about a non-presidential candidate

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Step 5:

Business class allowed to vote first


Step 6:

Those whose shift starts in 20 minutes leave polling line and hope election goes their way

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Step 7:

Poll worker assures annoyed voter that ID registration mix-up should just take a couple of lawsuits to fix

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Step 8:

Cast a few practice ballots


Step 9:

Go on mad, whirlwind box-marking tear through circuit court races section of ballot

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Step 10:

House band plays voter out of the booth


Step 11:

Insert ballot into machine, with additional option to insert $10 bill for chance at doubling your vote

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Step 12:

Ballot box digests ballot


Step 13:

“I Voted” filter or some shit like that added to Facebook profile picture


Step 14:

Ballots haphazardly piled into pickup truck bed for transport down windy highway


Step 15:

All ballots cast by elderly voters immediately discarded and replaced with best guesses at what they were more or less going for

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Step 16:

Official ballot counter sighs, manually inputs write-in submission “King Faggot” into vote-tabulating system

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Step 17:

Someone you don’t like declared winner

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