Associate Justice Anthony Kennedy announced Wednesday he will retire July 31 after more than 30 years on the Supreme Court, a decision with far-reaching ramifications for the judicial branch, as well as the U.S. political system as a whole. The Onion takes a look at the effects that Justice Kennedy’s retirement will have on the nation’s highest federal court.


New old white guy to sit up there


Could result in split 4-4 rulings for the foreseeable future as Senator Mitch McConnell will block any nominations until after the next election

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Liberal justices’ dissents to be 86% more blistering


Ruth Bader Ginsburg no longer permitted to leave sterilized glass dome in Supreme Court chambers

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In a small but significant win for progressives, Justice Stephen Breyer will receive a slightly better chair


Supreme Court will better reflect nation by not having any moderate conservatives

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Hey, maybe Merrick Garland will get another shot!


Court softball team will likely falter without Kennedy’s .357 batting average and eight home runs

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No July birthdays on justice calendar now


Creates the most conservative Supreme Court until Ruth Bader Ginsburg dies

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