WASHINGTON—Urging journalists not to fixate on specious rumors and instead pursue topics of real importance, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders warned reporters assembled for the press briefing Thursday that allegations of President Trump’s affair with adult film star Stormy Daniels were a steamy, sexy distraction from the real issues. “Look, I know how easy it is to get all hot and bothered while reading these tantalizing stories about the president, but Americans need to focus on the concrete problems affecting our nation,” said a sweaty, visibly aroused Huckabee Sanders, who flushed noticeably and bit her bottom lip as she encouraged reporters to concentrate on the issues concerning everyday citizens instead of whatever filthy, animalistic sexual acts may or may not have occurred during a hedonistic weekend in Beverly Hills. “Journalists should be reporting on the decreasing unemployment rate and the return of manufacturing jobs, not the president’s engorged genitals or the intoxicating idea of two people in a five-star Lake Tahoe hotel room tonguing honey from each other’s secret places during an illicit tryst. However titillating they might be, these rumors are just a diversion from the hard, sweaty work of helping the American worker onto his back. Back on his feet.” Huckabee Sanders then apologized for emptying a pitcher of ice water over her head during her presentation, excused herself, and staggered moaning from the briefing room.

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