Illustration for article titled ‘I Was The One Who Slept With Stormy Daniels,’ Says Sonny Perdue In Desperate Attempt To Serve As Trump’s Fall Guy

WASHINGTON—Fervently proclaiming that he was actually the one responsible for the scandal involving the adult film actress, Secretary of Agriculture Sonny Perdue reportedly stated Thursday, in a desperate attempt to serve as President Trump’s fall guy, that he was the one who slept with Stormy Daniels. “It was me—I met with her, I paid her for sex, and then I tried to cover up the whole thing—and President Trump had nothing to do with it,” said the head of the U.S. Department of Agriculture in a blatant effort to serve as Trump’s patsy in the public eye and take all the blame for the ongoing controversy. “In 2006, I entered into a sexual tryst with Stormy Daniels, cheating on my wife of 46 years in the process. Then, I acted completely alone in hiring Michael Cohen to make her sign an NDA and pay her off. I kept quiet about having had sex with Stormy Daniels—as well as any and all other women who President Trump has been unjustly accused of having affairs with—because I wanted to be the secretary of agriculture, but I can no longer keep quiet. President Trump is innocent, and it was me—me and only me—all along. I am ready to accept my punishment.” In a related story, Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke had made a last-ditch effort to convince the public that it was actually his voice in the Access Hollywood tape bragging about grabbing women by the pussy.


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