DAVENPORT, IA—Asserting he could fund his campaign just fine no matter how small the contributions were, increasingly cocky presidential candidate Bernie Sanders announced Tuesday he would no longer be accepting any donations in excess of 27 cents. “Maybe some of my opponents are comfortable courting big donors who will give them 15, even 20 bucks, but as long as I’m in this race, anyone who hands me a dollar bill will immediately be handed 73 cents in change,” said the Vermont senator, who during a rally at a municipal auditorium expressed complete confidence that he could fund his organization all the way through the 2020 general election with nothing but the loose change in his supporters’ pockets. “Right now, if you have a quarter and a nickel in the ashtray of your car out in the parking lot, give that to me, and I’ll give you three pennies back. That’s all I need to put the people back in charge of this country. But if you have any big glass jars full of change, save those for the Coinstar machine, because the presidency of the United States should never be for sale.” An hour after finishing his speech, Sanders was spotted hanging around in the lobby and helping people break tens and twenties so they could use a nearby soda machine.
More from The Onion