Illustration for article titled Increasingly Obsessed Robert Mueller Forces Wife To Dye Hair Blond, Dress Like Ivankaem/emem/em

WASHINGTON—With the Trump probe constantly preoccupying more and more of the special investigator’s mind, Robert Mueller has reportedly forced his wife this week to dye her hair and dress in expensive jewelry and designer gowns identical to those worn by Ivanka Trump. “Dammit, go get a different clutch and put on the burgundy pumps—you look cheap,” said Mueller to bewildered wife Ann Cabell Standish, brandishing several hangers full of newly purchased cocktail dresses from Ivanka Trump’s clothing line while taking a break from fervently spray painting every item in his home gold. “Your roots are starting to show, so I’ll get you an appointment at the salon to get the blond touched up. And I’ll make a few calls to see if we can get you into a surgeon for a quick breast enlargement surgery and nose job—here, take a few copies of these surveillance photos so they know what you’re going for.” At press time, Mueller was reportedly browsing a selection of wide red neckties for his own use.


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