WASHINGTON—Explaining that they were forced to take more radical measures to ensure the success of their moderate political platform, increasingly unhinged U.S. centrists announced Monday their plan to round up the nation’s populace into camps to force them to engage in meaningful dialogue. “As more Americans adopt left-wing or right-wing views, compromise to a moderate position will require more drastic action, which is why we’ve decided to herd every last American into trains and bring them to camps encircled in barbed wire where they will be forced to discuss their views at gunpoint,” said a wild-eyed Leland Welsh, spokesperson for the centrist think tank Third Way, which was behind the funding of the large open-air detention center where divided Americans would be forced to shake hands until their palms bled and go without food and water until they had agreed to understand and embrace the positions of their political opponents. “We believe that all Americans possess the capacity to find a middle ground on every single issue, which is why we’re going to force their eyes open to read opinion pieces by their political adversaries, make them listen to speeches by Hillary Clinton and Mitt Romney blaring on loudspeakers 24 hours a day, and compel them to remain standing for long periods of time while our guards scream ‘We can all get along!’ In these camps, expressions of animosity toward another inmate’s belief system, or uttering anything besides the phrase ‘But that’s just my opinion, and I’d love to hear yours’ will be punishable by death. We will stop at nothing to ensure that all Americans hold the exact same centrist belief system.” The visibly crazed political centrists added that if the camps were unable to force any Americans to find common ground with one another, they would sell them in new slave markets to a company that would.
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