WASHINGTON—While using brightly colored magic markers to write articles in a makeshift bullpen deep beneath the White House, an ink-splattered Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. said Wednesday they had made it their mission to fight bias in the mainstream media by hand-printing their own newspaper.
According to the brothers, the inaugural issue of their paper, called The Trump Boy Times, covers the most pressing issues of the day, with front-page stories such as “The Time Dad Saved The Country In Porko Reeco From A Hurricane” and “Dad Again Tops List Of 100 Best American Pretzeldents.” Though fingerprints and smudges rendered much of the text unreadable, the content inside the paper appeared to include obituaries of “dumb Democrats” the boys wished were dead and a comic strip depicting the misadventures of a character called Little Eric.
“When we heard the stuff those mean news jerks were talking about, we knew we had to find a way to get a whole bunch of the actual truth out there,” said Eric Trump, who held up a copy of the issue to show how hard he had worked to decorate its construction-paper pages with stickers and glitter, continuing on with the project even after a misapplication of rubber cement resulted in his hand being stuck to a table for more than an hour. “Unlike those lying germalists [sic], when we make up the news, we don’t use any bias. We are doing lotsa good work.”
“After all, President Dad is counting on us!” Eric added.
Reports within the executive residence confirmed the Trump boys were going through two packs of candy cigarettes a day as they sat in an unused closet illuminated only by their Vtech Spin and Learn Color Flashlight, transcribing notes they had written on their hands during a “top-secret meeting” with Ben Carson. White House sources confirmed the brothers cornered the Housing and Urban Development secretary in the West Wing and peppered Carson with questions about how much bigger and louder America’s bombs were than North Korea’s.
With the first issue’s publication fast approaching, sources said production had come to a screeching halt early Tuesday, when Don Jr. yelled, “Stop the presses!” after Eric hit him on the arm for saying the younger brother wasn’t old enough to be the newspaper’s editor. The boys then reportedly began wrestling as they argued over whether to lead the edition with the story about their dad being the number-one president of all time or an exclusive headlined “No Moore Choccccolate Milk In White Howse Cafurteria.” The tense editorial meeting reportedly came to an abrupt conclusion once Eric started crying after being placed into a headlock.
Later, while touting The Trump Boy Times as “the only place to get the real story that probably happened,” Don Jr. and Eric were seen distributing the half dozen handmade copies they had finally produced to the first people they encountered in the halls of the White House, including a Secret Service agent, two West Wing interns, Melania Trump, and a butler who brought them a snack after they complained about running out of graham crackers.
Deeming their project a success, the brothers were soon overheard planning the launch of a Trump Boys TV news channel, and after climbing inside a large cardboard box with a hole cut out of the front, they spent much of the afternoon interviewing their favorite action figures and asking them why people spread so many lies about their dad.
“Now that we’re on the beat, there will finally be a paper that runs real news about Dad,” Don Jr. said while taking a break from penning a statement from the newspaper’s editorial board urging the president to let his sons stay up until 8:30 p.m. and eat ice cream. “It’s been super tough trying to get the story. Sometimes you have to camp out underneath the Resolute desk for a whole hour, and sometimes Eric has to keep going to the press briefings every day even though Sarah Sanders never calls on him. But no matter what, we always get the scoop.”
“I bet we’ll get a Publisher’s Surprise [sic] for this,” he added.
At press time, sources reported President Trump was throwing a wadded-up newspaper at the boys and telling them to get out of his office.