‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines. “I really have no idea why, but a whole bunch of people carrying handmade Trump signs and wearing ‘Make America Great Again’ hats began showing up around 8 a.m., and since then more and more of them have been flooding in, completely packing the outdoor concourses and parking areas,” said stadium security officer Allen Barnett, speaking over chants of “Donald! Donald!” and “Build That Wall!” which the steadily growing throngs had been emphatically shouting for hours in support of the New York businessman, who is, by all accounts, campaigning in Indiana today. “They keep banging on the door, trying to get in, but I can tell you that Donald Trump is definitely not coming here. In fact, there’s nothing going on here today except some maintenance work. I’m a little worried, because we keep saying this to all of them, but the crowd just keeps getting larger.” At press time, troubled and confused sources had confirmed that similar gatherings were spontaneously forming at Boston’s TD Garden, the United Center in Chicago, and at least a dozen other large arenas nationwide.