In what many are calling his most crucial international trip yet, Trump embarks today on an 11-day trip that will see him meeting with leaders in Korea, China, Vietnam, the Philippines, and Japan. Here is the schedule of events:

Hawaii—Friday, Nov. 3

  • 1:00 p.m.: Trump to deliver speech calling for a complete repeal of the terrible Pearl Harbor attack
  • 8:00 p.m.: Join top-level national security advisors for closed-door luau

Japan—Sunday, Nov. 5

  • 1:00 p.m.: Geisha Fantasy Makeover Experience® in Tokyo’s Harajuku district
  • 4:15 p.m.: Trump to meet with Japanese Prime Minister Shinzō Abe for a series of unilateral talks
  • 6:07 p.m.: Rebuff aide’s claim that tempura just like french fries

Korea—Tuesday, Nov. 7

  • 11:00 a.m.: Tour installations by Trump’s favorite Korean contemporary artist, Xooang Choi
  • 12:30 p.m.: Meet with the families of South Koreans who died after playing 50 consecutive hours of Warcraft
  • 2:49 p.m.: Bizarre, easily avoidable international incident

China—Wednesday, Nov. 8

  • 9:25 a.m.: Trump to spend the morning tweeting angrily along with CCTV program Dialogue with Yang Rui
  • 1:45 p.m.: Meeting with Chinese President Xi Jinping to discuss the deep, senseless anger Trump has always felt

Vietnam—Friday, Nov. 10

  • 11:28 a.m.: Trump will refer to the Vietnam War as “your thing”
  • 1:37 p.m.: Robert Mueller winces as Trump totally botches Vietnamese diplomat’s name on bugged phone call
  • 11:31 p.m.: Another nightmare where large, faceless man covered in sweat chases him through West Wing with spiked two-by-four

Advertisement

Philippines—Sunday, Nov. 12

  • 3:00 p.m.: Join President Rodrigo Duterte at shooting range for target practice on low-level drug offenders
  • 7:00 p.m.: Attend gala to celebrate 50 years of U.S. complicitness in human rights abuses
  • 9:20 p.m.: Trump will pen long journal entry describing the strange sights he has seen throughout his journey

Advertisement