WASHINGTON—In response to criticism of the Justice Department’s “zero tolerance” policy stripping migrant children away from their parents and placing them in detention centers, Attorney General Jeff Sessions argued Monday that family separations are only happening because current law doesn’t allow him to strangle immigrants with his bare hands. “Simply put, I am forced to tear kids away from their parents, because I am legally prohibited from throttling immigrants until their bodies go limp,” said Sessions, asserting that the practice of locking children away in cages and deporting their parents before they can be reunited would be reversed as soon as the law was updated to permit the attorney general to press his thumbs deep into migrants’ windpipes as he watches the life fade from their eyes. “Look, I want to see these poor immigrants dead as much as the next guy, but it’s simply out of my control. I agree that it’s a huge tragedy that I cannot snuff the life out of these migrants together as entire families, but I have a moral duty to follow the law as written.” At press time, Sessions called on Democrats to stop their obstructionist tactics and pass legislation granting him the ability to pin down each individual in the immigrant families and suffocate them one by one.

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