Joe Kennedy Dodges Crashing Planes, Swerving Cars After Announcing Campaign For Senate

BOSTON—Moments after announcing plans to mount a 2020 challenge to Ed Markey for his Massachusetts Senate seat, Representative Joe Kennedy III was forced Saturday to dodge crashing planes, swerving cars, and a tumbling stampede of rolling concrete tubes all seemingly charging in his direction. “I believe this state is ready for a bold change in direction, and I intend to take us there next year—oh, dear God!” said Kennedy, who covered his head to shield himself from debris as a tractor trailer smashed wildly through the wall behind him, then sprinted into the street past several exploding manhole covers, eluding a dozen lightning strikes, ducking just under the swinging attacks of several sword-wielding assassins, hiding in an alleyway from a sniper’s laser sights, and finally jumping clear of a sinkhole that swallowed several blocks of East Boston. “Help! Help! Can anyone hear me? Jesus Christ, how are there two tidal waves in the middle of the city?” At press time, Kennedy was spotted waving to paparazzi while boarding a rickety vintage light plane and setting off towards a campaign appearance directly into a raging thunderstorm.

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