John Bolton Seething With Jealousy After Trump Gets To Become Living Biological Weapon

Illustration for article titled John Bolton Seething With Jealousy After Trump Gets To Become Living Biological Weapon

WASHINGTON—Expressing frustration that the president was able to attain what he himself never had, former National Security Advisor John Bolton was reportedly seething with jealousy Tuesday that President Trump got to become a real-life living, breathing biological weapon. “If only I had stayed in the administration, I could’ve been the one to get infected with a deadly virus capable of defeating all of America’s enemies,” said Bolton, growing increasingly incensed that the president had so easily stumbled into such an efficient method of viral warfare. “It’s particularly galling because Donald Trump is totally wasting this golden opportunity just hanging out in the White House when he could bring Iran to its knees with one indoor face-to-face with Rouhani. The president has a moral imperative to fight for American interests by coughing repeatedly in the face of Kim Jong-un or at the very least wandering through a crowded North Korean market to infect as many civilians as possible.” At press time, a desperate Bolton was reportedly rubbing used hospital scrubs against his face and inhaling deeply while booking a flight to Tehran.

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