CHICAGO—Seconds after the room had erupted into cheers, applause, and a few big sighs of relief, sources confirmed Tuesday that a local group of friend’s jubilant reaction to Donald Trump’s defeat had soured quickly upon the announcement of Joe Biden’s victory. “One moment we’re celebrating our nation’s repudiation of Trump, and the next Biden is declared the winner—what a buzzkill,” said 29-year-old Ryan Lopez, whose smile had visibly faded to weariness as the former vice president and retired six-term senator appeared on television to celebrate with his family. “The American people just ousted a transparently racist, misogynistic, and authoritarian president, but before we even have a chance to savor that triumph, we’re forced to deal with the fact that his replacement will be Joe Biden. Ugh, why does the single best piece of news this country has had in years have to be tainted immediately? For fuck’s sake.” At press time, Lopez had reportedly demanded the television be shut off after a news anchor observed that Trump would remain in power until January.
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