COLUMBUS, OH—Expressing concern at the noticeable lack of intensity at his campaign events, Republican presidential candidate John Kasich confided to reporters Thursday that he’s worried he’ll never possess the charisma necessary to incite his supporters into a crazed, violent frenzy. “I know I’m good at discussing policy and laying out my vision for America, but if I’m being honest, I’m beginning to think I just might not have that kind of special energy that voters seem to respond to by shouting bigoted statements or threatening physical violence against others,” said Kasich, who conceded that he hadn’t even inspired a single attendee at any of his stump speeches to turn against a reporter in their midst, let alone roused an entire crowd to erupt into an out-of-control brawl. “Sure, I can get voters to chant my name, but that’s as far as it ever goes. It seems to come so easily to some people, but I wouldn’t even know the first thing to say to get people so worked up that they’re ready to cold-cock the next immigrant or minority they see.” Kasich added that he was seriously concerned his campaign would not be able to recover from the extremely calm and civil rally he held the previous night.
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