WASHINGTON—Admitting that he regretted his answer as soon as it came out of his mouth, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was reportedly panicking Wednesday after botching the part of his confirmation where he was asked if he rejects Satan. “Shit, I was supposed to say ‘yes,’” said Kavanaugh, who, when asked by the Senate Judiciary Committee if he renounced the devil and all his work and empty promises, delivered an emphatic “no,” which was then met with loud gasps from all those present. “Oh, man, I can’t believe I fucked this up and sided with the Prince of Darkness—I was doing so well up until then! I knew I should have rehearsed the whole ‘rejecting Satan’ question a few more times. Maybe I can ask for a do-over on that one.” At press time, several eyewitnesses spotted a visibly nervous Kavanaugh writing “Satan = Bad, God = Good” on his hand before heading back into the Senate chamber.
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