WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly confused as he slowly adjusted to his surroundings, Brett Kavanaugh was reportedly shocked Wednesday to find out he’s a Supreme Court nominee after sobering up from a 35-year drunken bender. “Oh, Christ, what the hell happened last night? What am I doing here?” said the yet-unconfirmed nominee, fighting waves of nausea and massaging his throbbing temples as he attempted to piece together not only how he safely made it home after completely blacking out, but also the series of events that resulted in him graduating from Yale, embarking on a career in law, getting married, buying a house, and starting a family. “The last thing I remember was that I was about to nail that hot shooting guard from the women’s basketball team, and then everything gets kind of hazy. Holy shit, wait—I worked for the Bush administration? I didn’t even know there was a Bush presidency. And apparently Donald Trump is president now, whoever that is. I know I sometimes do crazy shit when I’m fucked up, but this is another level. Jesus—that’s the last time I do shots of Jager.” At press time, Kavanaugh was reportedly attempting to quickly sober up by eating a 17-year-old slice of pizza he had found on the floor of his bedroom.

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