WASHINGTON—Following Christine Blasey Ford’s accusation that he sexually assaulted her at a high school party, sources close to Brett M. Kavanaugh told reporters Monday that the nominee was “sweating bullets” due to betting his entire life savings on his confirmation to the Supreme Court. “Oh, shit, it was a sure thing. I was so confident I cashed in my 401(k), borrowed $65,000 on top of my mortgage, and shoved my daughters’ college funds in the pot. I can’t have it go south now,” said Kavanaugh while texting his bookie on his burner phone, insisting that the Senate vote would go exactly to plan and that caving in his kneecaps wouldn’t be necessary. “If I don’t get a few more days to make sure these Republican senators don’t flip, Vito’s going to feed me to the pigs. That guy does not fuck around.” Kavanaugh’s office would not confirm reports that he had been seen haphazardly throwing all his belongings into a briefcase after Dr. Blasey Ford volunteered to testify before Congress.

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