Illustration for article titled Klobuchar Hoping To Distinguish Herself During Debate As Only Candidate Not Sucker Punched In Gut Moments Before Stepping On Stage

CHARLESTON, SC—Stressing that the contrast between herself and her rivals could not be starker, presidential candidate Amy Klobuchar told viewers at Tuesday night’s Democratic debate that she remained the only candidate who had not been sucker punched in the gut moments before stepping on stage. “Tonight, I’m asking voters to really think about the distinct choice they’re being offered between a heartland Democrat with a record of serious accomplishments and six other candidates who have spent this entire debate doubled over and collapsing in front of their podiums or wheezing for air,” said the Minnesota senator, pointing to her distinguished record of not getting absolutely clocked in the moments before a national television appearance before gesturing across the stage at a whimpering Bernie Sanders clutching his stomach as he rolled around in agony. “Ask yourself, if Elizabeth Warren wasn’t prepared to get slugged right in the breadbasket as she stepped into the spotlight, then do you really think she’ll be ready for the presidency? Now you’ve seen what my fists are capable of this evening, and if you’re ready for a different type of candidate—one who isn’t whimpering and begging for mercy—then I promise you a place with me.” At press time, Klobuchar had torn into Michael Bloomberg’s supposedly tough-on-crime record as the dry heaving former New York City mayor began to retch onto the debate floor.

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