Illustration for article titled Kushner Frantically Searching Desk Drawer For Bold Solutions To Today’s Most Pressing Issues

WASHINGTON—Cursing under his breath as he dug through the assorted documents and folders, Senior Advisor to the President Jared Kushner was frantically searching a desk drawer Wednesday for bold solutions to today’s most pressing issues. “I could have sworn I put my trailblazing approaches to ushering in a new era of prosperity in here somewhere,” said Kushner as he pulled out random sheets of paper and quickly scanned them in hopes some might contain his strategy for bringing the Israeli-Palestinian conflict to a swift, peaceful conclusion or his innovative approach to battling the nation’s opioid epidemic. “Come on, come on. I just saw my visionary infrastructure plan that would create jobs for millions of Americans like a week ago—maybe it’s in the car? Couldn’t hurt to look there at this point.” At press time, Kushner was still unable to locate his notes for dissuading his father-in-law from taking such a soft stance toward neo-Nazism but ultimately decided he wasn’t too excited about that project anyway.

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