Lindsey Graham Gazes Longingly At Happy Rubio Campaign Workers Through Window

A wide-eyed Graham counts every Rubio campaign staffer he can see through the window.

MANCHESTER, NH—Reportedly cupping his hands around his eyes for a better look at the cheerful volunteers inside, presidential hopeful Lindsey Graham gazed longingly into the window of fellow candidate Marco Rubio’s bustling New Hampshire campaign headquarters Thursday.

Graham, who was taking an evening walk alone through the neighborhood, is believed to have been drawn to the bright light and sound of good-natured conversation coming from the office, stopping around 6 p.m. to peer in at the active, joyful staff members as they made phone calls, stuffed envelopes, or huddled together for quick, impromptu meetings.


“Wow, look at all of them in there,” said the South Carolina senator, his face breaking into a smile as he watched a cluster of eager-looking young interns sort through plastic mail bins full of what appeared to be campaign donations. “All of them look so busy. They must have a lot to do. I bet they’re talking about Marco right now.”

“It sure looks cozy in there too,” he added.

According to sources, Graham then breathed warm air into his clasped hands and pulled his coat tighter around him as he looked over the many posters adorned with Rubio’s face, the maps cluttered with various campaign stops, and the large banners that read “Are you ready for a new American century?” He then reportedly tugged his sleeve over his palm to wipe clear the fog his hot breath had left on the window, his eyes widening and mouth hanging open when a volunteer cut open yet another box of Rubio bumper stickers.

As animated staff members gestured toward a heavily marked calendar of upcoming events, the three-term senator and former U.S. representative leaned in for a closer look, but sources said the scene was soon disrupted when several boxes of pizza were placed on a long folding table and subsequently swarmed by a crowd of volunteers.

“Boy, I could sure go for a slice myself right about now,” said Graham, pressing his palms against the cold glass as a staff member made an inaudible comment that caused the whole group to tilt their heads back in laughter. “Oh! Look, they’re all laughing about something. I wonder if it was a joke about a political opponent.”


“They must joke around together a lot,” Graham added quietly to himself.

At press time, sources confirmed that a Rubio campaign worker had noticed the 60-year-old man standing at the window and quickly pulled the blinds closed.


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