WASHINGTON—Somewhat taken aback by her pivotal role in Brett Kavanaugh’s potential confirmation to the Supreme Court, Lisa Murkowski (R-AK) confessed to reporters Friday that she initially believed being an Alaskan senator would mean nothing more complex than “having to deal with bears and shit.” “Oh, man, I tell you what, when I first signed up for this job, I was thinking I’d just be hashing out bald eagles and glaciers and tundras and stuff, not determining the judicial course that the entire damn country will be taking for decades to come,” said Murkowski, who assumed that upon taking office she would be mainly tasked with making sure moose don’t wander onto the Great Alaskan Highway and signing people’s fishing licenses, not serving as one of the key figures determining the ideological framework of an entire branch of government. “Sure, I guessed there might be some more important stuff with, like, all those forests and natural resources and where to drill and such, but the last thing I thought I’d be asked to do was establish a symbolic precedent for how the nation deals with allegations of sexual assault by judges. Seriously, at most, I thought I’d have to have lunch with people doing stuff with the oil pipelines.” Susan Collins (R-ME) concurred with Murkowski, saying she once thought her job as the senator for Maine would mainly entail dealing with, like, lobsters and maple fucking syrup.

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