SPRINGFIELD, IL—Saying he wished the former presidential candidate would “shut up and go away for once,” area man Justin Irsay told reporters Wednesday that he “just knows Hillary Clinton is going to have an opinion” on not dying in a pipe-bomb explosion. “Oh God, she’s going to be out there spouting some comments and making this all about her,” said Irsay, growing increasingly agitated as he imagined Clinton’s likely response to the homemade explosive device mailed to her home and addressed to her personally. “She can’t let anything go. The election was two years ago, for christsakes! It’s like, ‘Hey, Hillary—you lost. Can you get off my TV now?’ Jesus.” Irsay went on to state that dwelling on serial pipe bombings all the time would likely cost Democrats the 2020 election.
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