YOUNGSTOWN, OH—According to records obtained from the Mahoning County registrar’s office, local man David Kearney, who eats breakfast at Dunkin’ Donuts every day and is a passionate fan of the Saw film franchise, is actually allowed to vote in today’s general election.
Reports confirmed that Kearney, 34, enjoys sitting down in a Dunkin’ Donuts location and eating a sausage, egg, and cheese croissant each morning before work, has seen every Saw movie multiple times, and is freely able to play an active role in the democratic process like every other registered voter in the United States.
“I just can’t get going in the morning without a Dunkaccino,” said Kearney, who possesses the right to visit a polling center and help decide, quite literally, the political direction of the entire nation over the next four years. “They’re so good. Goes great with a Boston Kreme.”
“And you gotta love the Munchkins, man—I usually get a half dozen of those,” added the man who will help choose the next president of the United States, which, reportedly, is the most important and powerful position in the world. “I’ve got a Dunkin’ Donuts Perks card, too, so it’s pretty cheap.”
Sources also said Kearney, whose ballot counts as much as any other Ohio resident in determining which candidate receives the state’s crucial 18 electoral votes, owns all the Saw films on DVD and frequently watches them at home on weekends. Due to his residence in the highly contested swing state, the man who willingly and excitedly went to see Saw 3D on opening night will, reports indicated, actually have a larger impact on determining the outcome of the election than voters in virtually every other state in the country.
“I think the original Saw is my favorite one—that one’s fucking awesome—but Saw IV is a close second,” said Kearney, whose decision will ultimately shape the country’s future when it comes to such areas as the economy, unemployment, foreign policy, women’s rights, financial regulation, tax reform, health care, immigration, and literally every other major issue. “Gotta love the crazy tests that Jigsaw sets up for his victims. So cool. I really love the gory parts. They make it look super real.”
Numerous sources reiterated, once again, that our Constitution has entrusted a person who wears sweatpants in public and posts user reviews of porn videos online with one of the most important and fateful decisions a human being can make.
Furthermore, sources added, millions of people almost exactly like this person are also given an equal say in our democracy.
At press time, Kearney was reportedly finishing a Vanilla Bean Coolatta before walking into a voting booth to cast his ballot.