‘Oh My God, I’ve Missed This,’ Moans Former Presidential Candidate

WASHINGTON—Saying the CNN town hall debate had left him sexually aroused in a way he hadn’t experienced since his failed 2016 presidential run, Florida senator Marco Rubio admitted Friday that he was still rock-hard a couple days after being publicly humiliated on the national stage. “Oh, fuck yes, I had forgotten how good it hurts to be degraded on live television for everyone to see,” said Rubio, noting that the Parkland shooting survivors taking him to task for his complicity combined with the booing crowd gave him a raging erection more turgid than the one he had when Chris Christie totally destroyed him during a Republican debate two years ago. “It was so intense when those town hall participants asked me to stop accepting donations from the NRA and I just squirmed around like the naughty boy I am. Then when Jake Tapper told everyone to settle down, I just about creamed my pants right there on stage. Mmm, I bet Americans are so disgusted with me. Jesus, I think I’m gonna blow a load.” Rubio added that if the survivors don’t stop roasting him on Twitter soon, he would have to visit a doctor for his aching cock.

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