‘That’s Despicable, No Way That Little Bitch Should Be On The Supreme Court,’ Announces High School Friend

BETHANY BEACH, DE—Shaking his head in frustration as he read about the testimony given by his old high school friend to the Senate Judiciary Committee, Mark Judge reportedly confirmed Friday that he couldn’t believe that fucking lightweight Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh got the meanings of “boofing” and “the Devil’s Triangle” wrong. “Seriously, that’s just fucking despicable, and there’s no way that little bitch should be anywhere near the Supreme Court,” said a visibly pissed-off Judge, adding that he couldn’t fathom handing over a lifetime appointment to America’s highest judicial body to “some candy-ass dipshit” who couldn’t remember important things like the fact that everyone knows the Devil’s Triangle “is not some dumb drinking game—it’s a fuckin’ threesome with two dudes on one chick. It’s awesome.” “Jesus Christ, I’ve never been so disappointed in someone. I mean, I knew Brett was a puker, but I simply can’t accept the possibility that he blacked out from drinking ’skis so many times that he forgot that boofing is taking beer up the ass. He said it’s about farting? Come the fuck on, dude—we used to boof all the time! Man, all of America was watching, and he totally pussied out. Honestly, I’m ashamed to say I was his friend.” Judge added that he hoped that further investigations into Kavanaugh could allow the nominee to prove his truthfulness by vouching for the time they were in a threesome at a party and their dicks accidentally touched.

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