WASHINGTON—Shivering in his swimsuit as he peered down at the water below, Senator Mark Warner (D-VA) reportedly held up a long line of senators Friday as they waited for the diving board at the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. “C’mon, Mark, just jump in already—you’ll be fine! Plus, it’s super hot out here,” said Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) before pushing the trembling Virginia congressman forward along the diving board in frustration, echoing the feelings of dozens of other senators who had waited for upwards of a half hour for their chance to pencil-dive or cannonball into the reflecting pool. “Look, Schumer is already down there in his boxers squirting everyone with a noodle, so the water isn’t even cold. Jeez, do it now or [Senate Majority Whip] John Thune is going to climb up there and toss your ass in himself!” At press time, Warner had attempted to clamber down off the board only to begin crying after having his trunks pulled down to his ankles by Senator Susan Collins (R-ME).

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