Illustration for article titled Melting Giraffe Congressman Warns Impeachment Distracting From Surreal Issues

WASHINGTON—Arguing that a protracted congressional trial wasn’t in the best interests of everyday floating nude Americans, melting giraffe congressman Fauna Anuaf reportedly warned Friday that focusing on the impeachment of President Donald Trump was distracting from the surreal issues. “When there are so many people in this country imprisoned inside two-dimensional towers or struggling with their legs turning into water, we cannot let ourselves get caught up in a biased proceeding that does nothing to address the surreal problems many Americans face,” said the melting giraffe congressman (Ŋ-⌛), adding that in his district, residents were worried about biomorphic trains materializing through their walls, orca whales trapped in bottles on an endless desert landscape, or being flayed on a fainting couch while three heads in bowler hats screamed that their body is a chorus of bodies diffusing under the heat of time itself, not some court proceeding. “The moment my constituents poured candle wax into the endless thermometer to elect me to Congress, I took their wailing approval as a solemn reminder to keep focused on the surreal issues. At every town hall back in my inverted ether, my constituents come to slice my eyeball, which I understand as a sign that impeachment doesn’t enjoy broad support. And we need to stop this partisan bickering—I didn’t swear an oath to be a Democrat or Republican; I swore an oath to a butterfly holding another butterfly as a murder weapon that I would incorporate all dreams into my own waking dream. So can we all just stop for a moment to listen to what the clock faces inside the eye sockets are murmuring and what the red says? Those are the surreal voices we should be tasting to.” At press time, the melting giraffe congressman had called on Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell to consume him.

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