NEW YORK—After receiving a three-year sentence in a federal penitentiary for tax evasion, campaign finance violations, misleading a bank, and lying to Congress, Michael Cohen completed the first of stage of his intricate plan to break his incarcerated brother out of prison from the inside, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Ever since they framed Davy for killing that guy, I’ve been concocting an elaborate scheme to spring him from the slammer,” Cohen said of his brother who is scheduled to be executed in April after being falsely convicted of murdering a banker, adding that he’s been methodically studying escape tactics for months and has a coded map of the facility tattooed on his back. “I acted so recklessly and made so many ill-advised decisions that I was sure they would catch me earlier, but thank goodness I’m in and can finally get my revenge on the feds. We have some trials ahead of us, but man, the second Davy and I fly the coop and breathe fresh air together—I know it’s going to be the sweetest thing.” At press time, Cohen was offering legal counsel to an inmate in exchange for an Allen wrench so he could unscrew his cell toilet and begin digging an escape tunnel.

Advertisement